June 2, 2007

The Big Bang Theory

In all fairness, we really didn't have a choice in the matter.

Bangs weren't allowed in the 70's and the 80's were all about the high-fashion of pop music. Don't get me wrong, Michael Jackson was actually COOL back then, and so was HAIRSPRAY. Not just any kind of hairspray, but any type of aerosol containing high amounts of chloroflorocarbons (cfc's). This hairspray, preferrably Aquanet, was sticky and strong and really quite amazing. Now, maybe the fashions just decided that they should be a showcase for the technology of the day, the jury is still out on that one.

In order to show how strong and durable hairspray had actually become, we needed a REASON to use it large quantities. Therefore, the "no-bangs, hair to the middle of your back, combed brilliantly and tucked behind your ear, method of the 70's" had to become extinct. Soon, people of all ages, sexes and creeds, needed to torture their hair in various ways to ensure that not one hair could hang in it's natural state.

Spiral perms? No, that's a whole other subject, much too lengthy to touch on here. I'm thinking of the "curl up - curl down - gigantic bangs" also known as "mall bangs". Henceforth, I will refer to them as 80's bangs.

How was this phenomenon exacted?
Well, first and foremost, you needed to have bangs. Not long enough bangs to be as long as the rest of your hair, oh no, real bangs!
And you also needed a curling iron - one with a giant ironing surface, one that could exceed temperatures of 1000ºF, one that could withstand the chemical fusion of hairspray.
And last, but certainly not least - you needed hairspray. A hairspray, in the largest quantity available, in endless supply, and at least 1 can per week, for maximum fashionocity.

First, divide your bangs horizontally into 2 equal portions. While clipping the "upper" bang away from the "lower bang" - grasp the lower bang with your intensely hot curling iron, and curl downward. While holding the curl as close to your head as possible, spray your hair while burning it in the curling iron. Count to 3, while continuously spraying hairspray. Then unroll, and release your lower bang from the curling iron, and spray the tight curl with hairspray again... count to 3, unless 5 seems more appropriate.

Then unclip your "upper bang" and grasp it with your intensely hot (and now slightly covered with burning hair and hairspray) curling iron, and curl UPward. While holding the curl as close to your head as possible, spray your hair while burning it in the curling iron. Count to 3, while continuously spraying with hairspray. Then unroll and release your upper bang from the curling iron, and spray the sticky curl with a bit more hairspray (count to 3 or 5).

You may think we're done, but we've only just started. Now, take your brush or comb, and tease (a.k.a. "rat") the heck out of those upper bangs. Rat them, like there's NO tomorrow... they will become knotted, crisp, and voluminous! The more your rat, the bigger the bangs become.

All done? Not quite. Now, you spray the entire "hair" region... including both upper and lower bang - with the hairspray, again. Make sure you use enough so that you begin to see stars, and then open a window or door, so you don't pass out (because then your hair will be flat on one side and you'll have to start the process all over again).

What a beautiful thing... 80's bangs. the greatest part was that it was a fashion trend that spanned from butt rock, to pop rock and beyond. Men, women, children of all ages - everyone could have 80's bangs, and everyone could be beautiful. That's right... beautiful.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Those were the days my friend. I thought they'd never end. Everything was unisex; including hair. Many's the time, from behind, I saw a young lady walking down the sidewalk, only to be sickened as my car passed her by to find a slender, bearded male; of course the beard was also blown dry and hairsprayed!